The Story of My Life

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators at the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back: 1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing." 2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother." 3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." 4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries,and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious." 5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." 6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces." 7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president...

I have been saving this one for you too.....from my favorite aunt. I know, I know.....stupid real job is cutting down on my blogging time during the week. I will hopefully get back in the swing of things soon. I hate being a responsible grown up and having bills to pay and such. Who knew Mom was right when she said my teen and college years were stress-free and should be enjoyed.

THE BOTTLE OF WINE For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine: Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail,until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. "What in bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband." The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wi...

VISITOR'S GUIDE TO BIRMINGHAM ( Alabama ) First, you must learn to pronounce the city name. It's 'Bur/min/ham'. Driving Information: Burmin'ham has its own version of traffic rules... 1. The truck with the loudest exhaust goes next at a 4-way stop. The truck with the biggest tires goes after that. (Note: Blue haired ladies driving anything have right-of-way anytime. 2. To find anything in the city it is required that you know where Malfunction Junction is... which is the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. It is one of only two 'cloverleaf' formation interchanges in the world. We invented it and only one other city was stupid enough to implement it again... Atlanta- making them dumber than we are. 3. The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00 AM. The evening rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:00 PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning a runs thru Saturday Noon. If the term 'merging delays' is ever used by the person reporting the traf...

I picked the funniest emails I had recieved lately........ Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today. I sick, headache, stomach ache, legs hurt, I no come work." The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like that, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that." Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say, I feel great. I be work soon..........you got nice house." One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing. A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!' The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain ...

Men start at an early age pushing the envelope, trying things just to see if they can. They start early and do not ever tire of living carelessly- testing the limits of any given situation. Living on the edge and living dangerously comes early to the male, much to the mother's delight. UPDATE: My son and I were reading my blog togehter and he said "I did this last year at school, Mom, but my head came out!" I could list many things here that he has done....... but I won't today..... Sometimes things do not exactly work out like planned or fit exactly as they are supposed to. Females sometimes find this male, dangerous edge intriguing and exciting. Sometimes.....not to much. This is what I like to call creative Improvisation. Sheer Genius. Should he be wearing a life jacket or seat belt? Or both. Who needs a pickup truck? These must be Yankees. All southern boys have a proper truck, don't they? Who needs even rope for that matter ? Or ladders??? Introducing, the ...

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!' and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.' I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday! ' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.' I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard a...

If you know who Jeff Dunham is, you will be envious! We have tickets to see him at the Alabama Theater next week! We bought the tickets at Christmas and I hadn't realized it was coming up so FAST. He is SO FUNNY- my favorite comedian. My husband, sister, niece, Aunt and my sister's friend are going. I can't wait. If you do not know who Jeff Dunham is, here is a sample. He has several characters and they are all great. Walter the grumpy old man is funny and reminds me of my Dad. I told him he is so cheerful he needs to be a Greeter at Walmart. There are lots of clips posted if you want to watch more. I let my son watch one of the cleaner clips- which was still a mistake-- and he is so mad that he can't attend. It is definitely ADULT HUMOR.

this bathroom is a nightmare!!!!!

Updated...... Leigh sent me this one to add to the mix..............

Maxine was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up toward heaven, she said, 'Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up sex and martinis.' Miraculously, a parking place appeared. She looked up again and said, 'Never mind. I found one.'

I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS... A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???" She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."